The Communication Chain of Reactions

Nuclear reactor – it’s an intentional play on words used to describe how someone feels inside when they are reacting to what is being said or heard – nuclear. Once something is said, the spark ignites a chain of reactions that feed on each other and then, “boom,” you’re into fight or flight mode.

There are, however, three things you can do to curb your nuclear reaction. The first step is to actually understand what is going on, the second is to identify when you are in reactor mode, and the third is to follow the advice of your local firefighter and stop, drop and roll.

REACTION VS. RESPONSE. Here’s how people talk about the difference between a reaction and a response:

• We react out of emotion and respond out of wisdom.
• A reaction is a knee-jerk, automatic action. A response is more thoughtfully considered.
• We react emotionally and respond mindfully. 

The difference between react and response is pretty black and white. We all know, by how our body responds, when we are in reaction mode – our gut clenches, chest constricts, breathing gets shallow, jaw gets tense, blood pressure increases, and our face gets red. Sometimes, even our fists clench as our body gets ready for fight or flight. While that may be appropriate when an actual, real threat is at hand, in most cases when conversations get heated, the threat is perceived. After all, folks, words don’t kill – people do.

WHAT IS A REACTION? The most important thing to understand about a reaction is that when we react, we are reacting to something from our past that is still unresolved and causing us pain. Often called “hot buttons,” when these points of pain are activated, we move out of calm, rational self and into an automatic fight or flight mode. The defensive, reactionary response is a way of protecting that unresolved issue being re-activated. It’s like putting a thick, 10-ply steel bandage over a little cut in order to protect it from getting bumped – a reaction that is out of proportion to the original event and the present issue.
 
In the chart above are the top 10 ways to identify if you are reacting or responding to a request.

STOP, DROP & ROLL. Once you are able to identify when you are in reaction mode, the next step is to stop, drop and roll. Fire fighters use this strategy when talking with people about what to do if they find their clothes on fire, and it is good advice when you feel your five-alarm bell go off, too. Here’s how it works:
 
1. If you are in a fire situation and find your clothes on fire, stop. Don’t flame the fire by running or increasing energy. Good advice for reactors, too. Though your natural instinct may be to fight for your position, defend yourself or run from conflict, resist the urge to do so.
 
2. If you are in a fire situation and find your clothes on fire, the next thing firefighters tell you to do is drop. Since noxious fumes and heat rise, the importance of dropping is so you can breathe cooler air and not burn your lungs. Great advice for reactors, too, who can go from zero to 60 in three seconds. By dropping you step back and allow yourself time to calm down. Drop and go for a walk, write in a journal or listen to soothing music.
 
3. Once you are down on the ground, the next thing firefighters tell you to do is roll. Rolling is the best way to smother and put out the fire. For reactors, that would be to put out the internal fire. Then, when the internal fire is out, ask yourself these questions:

• What was the spark that ignited me?
• What’s the real source of my fire?
• How can I deal with this situation differently?

 When rolling, consider these tips:

 1. Be willing to suspend judgment for a moment and just listen. This puts you in response mode.
 2. Know it is never too late to stop, drop and roll whenever you find yourself reacting when you want to be responding.
 3. Figure out your “hot buttons” and adopt a “keep calm” strategy for when they get pushed.
 
By adopting the firefighter method, you can deal with stressful situations and conversations in a more positive and productive manner. As your skills increase, your sense of empowerment and confidence will also increase. Instead of feeling as if you are controlled by other people and the situations around you, you will see you can be in charge of your responses. Keep in mind that though you may not be able to control what people say or how they say things, you can control your responses to them.

The author is a small business startup coach and author of “The Accidental Preneur:  Discovering Your Inner Samurai.” For more tips, sign up for her free e-Zine at http://successfulsmallbizowners.com