Nearly everyone at one time has been on the receiving end of someone else’s anger, whether it was with a boss, employee, co-worker, client or customer. Through those miserable experiences we have hopefully learned one important thing: joining people in their anger and firing back verbal assaults doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, many times it only makes it worse.
If we want to effectively deal with the problem in such a way that resolves the issue and maintains the relationship, we need to employ certain key strategies and behaviors. Following is a list of the 10 most effective ones.
- Listen First.
This strategy takes skills, especially when we feel that we are right and the other person is wrong. And even though we may not be speaking while the angry person is stating his or her case, our non-verbal body language is usually screaming, “OK, you idiot. I know I’m right, and you know I’m right. So, I’ll listen - but only for you to shut up so I can start talking.”Instead, we need to listen to understand. Clear your mind of any distractions and listen for information you don’t have. Assume the other person has (in his or her mind) a legitimate reason for being upset, and then listen for what it is. Nod occasionally to indicate that you are listening.
And while you are listening, remember to …
- Maintain A Neutral Face.
Experts tell us that despite what we’re saying, as much as 55 percent of our message’s meaning comes from visual indicators: posture, gestures, body positioning, etc. We also know that as much as 75 percent of that 55 percent comes from our face. Therefore, when dealing with an irate person, you need to make a conscious effort to relax your face, unclench your jaw and lift your eyebrows. Think “open, pleasant, neutral and relaxed.” - Maintain A Level Voice.
Most of us get extremely reactive (either defensive or offensive) when we hear someone begin to speak in an angry manner. Since as much as 38 percent of our message’s meaning can be found in our vocal qualities, we need to make our voice match the thoughts we want to convey. For example, if you’re speaking with someone who is angry and you think to yourself, “OK, I’ll humor you, but everything you are saying is total garbage,” then that message will be communicated loudly in your vocal tone. Instead, use the same tone of voice you would use if you were calm and relaxed. - Feed Back What You Hear.
While you are listening, you will encounter many places where you can restate and paraphrase the other person’s feelings. You might find yourself saying things like, “No one called you back that day, is that right?” Or, “It sounds like this entire experience was extremely frustrating for you.” This will let the other person know you’re listening and that you understand the situation. - Change What The Person Is Focused On.
When someone is angry and upset, one of the first things you need to do is change his or her emotional state. You can do this by interrupting the person’s pattern and refocusing his or her attention. Some common ways to do this are:
- Say the person’s name. When you need to speak, start by saying the other person’s name. People naturally stop and change what they’re focused on, if only for a moment, when they hear their name. Next …
- Say, “Hold on a second.” These words, said with extreme calm and relaxation, stop the person for a moment and change what he or she has been focused on.
- Make Empathetic Statements.
The best statement you can make at this point is, “Let me make sure I understand you. You’re saying …” and then repeat what you’ve heard so far. People will listen if they know you are going to say something they just said. And when you repeat what you heard them say, make certain that you … - Number Items.
When people are angry and upset, they are operating predominantly out of the right, emotional side of their brain. In order to get them over to the logical and rational left side of the brain, give them a left-brain function like counting in sequence. For example, you may say, “You’re saying: one, you didn’t get the report in time; two, it didn’t have all the information you needed; and three, it was not in the correct format. Is that correct?” In order to comprehend what you are saying, the person has to flip over to the left brain to follow the sequence. - You Don’t Need To Make Them Right, But Don’t Make Them Wrong.
When someone is at the height of anger, there is absolutely no way you can talk the person out of those feelings. Instead say things like, “I understand your feelings,” or “I’m sure if I were in your place I would feel the same way.” - Get Solution Oriented.
If you are not sure how you can help, ask. If you are in a position to provide help, list the steps you will take to assist the other person. If you are not in a position to provide help, assist the angry person in locating someone who can resolve the situation. Either way, use the words, “I want to help.” Let the other person know that you care about what he or she is going through and that you are willing to assist in correcting the problem. - Eliminate The Following Statements:
- “If you will just calm down”
- “If you will just let me talk”
- “You’re being unreasonable”
- “Exactly what’s your problem?”
Despite what happens when confronting an angry person, it’s important to remember that if someone’s anger seems to be threatening or getting out of control, the most prudent decision you can make is to leave. Appropriate comments would include things like, “I can see that you are extremely upset. I want to help, but not in this way,” or “I am unable to help you when you yell at me. I appreciate how strongly you feel about this, so I will find someone else who is better able to help you.”
In life, the reality is that anger is a normal and healthy emotion. Sometimes, however, people allow their anger to cloud their judgment and negatively impact their behaviors. When the other person is angry and upset while you are calm, then you are in control of the situation. And when you have the ability to defuse the other person’s anger and solve the problem, you emerge as the hero, and your relationships become stronger and healthier.
Using sound reasoning and practical strategies enables you to do just that.
The author is president and CEO of Linda Larsen Communications Inc. and is in demand throughout the U.S. as a professional speaker and keynote presenter. She is the author of the critically acclaimed audio program 12 Secrets to High Self Esteem and of the book True Power - Get it, Use it, Share it. She can be reached at www.lindalarsen.com.